Mum On The Run Page 6

  ‘I’m not sure I’d fancy that, love.’

  ‘Oh, come on,’ I say, crunching a stale Quaver impatiently. ‘It’ll be a change, won’t it?’

  ‘A change from what?’

  ‘From boring old domesticity. Putting the bin out and wondering why there’s a weird smell coming from the drain. Loading the dishwasher. All that stuff we never used to think about before we had the kids . . .’ By now I’m feeling rather manic and driving a little too fast.

  ‘I thought I’d fixed that drain,’ he says tetchily. ‘And could you slow down? You took that corner a bit too fast.’

  I exhale loudly. It’s a long time since I’ve read anything about reigniting passion, but I’m sure they never recommend talking about drains. ‘Just an idea,’ I say flatly. ‘I was trying to think of something different to do, but if you don’t fancy it, that’s fine.’

  Mustering a smile, Jed nicks a Quaver from the packet on my lap. ‘Tell you what, love,’ he says, patting my leg. ‘Shall we just have a cosy night in?’

  *

  Despite my plummeting spirits, I’m determined to make this work out and for us to have an unforgettable evening. Jed and I hardly ever go out. He seems to have forgotten that emerging from our house after dark – just the two of us – is a real possibility. I see couples heading out at night, holding hands or with the girl kind of tucked under the guy’s arm, being hugged as they walk. It squeezes my heart to see that. We used to walk that way, although doing that now would feel ridiculous. Jed would assume I felt faint and couldn’t stand up properly. Yet sometimes it feels as if the whole world is out there, hugging and kissing in public, and that Jed and I have somehow slipped off its edge.

  The first year we were together, I don’t think we saw a single DVD right through to the end. We’d put one on, when he’d taken a minicab over to my tiny Archway flat, or we’d plan to watch one when I’d cycled over to see him in his maisonette in Bethnal Green. The credits would start, and we’d have a little kiss – and before we knew it we’d be tangled on the floor together, kissing and laughing that that was another movie we’d never know the end of.

  And now, I can’t imagine how Jed would react if I pounced on him while he was watching a movie. He’d probably think I’d lost my mind.

  I unload our overnight bag from the boot – a gesture which seems particularly tragic – and let us into the house. It feels too still and quiet without the children. The carpet is littered with components from Toby’s Lego fort, and I almost tread on a partially-constructed rocket which he and Grace had been making out of a plastic water bottle and a mangled toothpaste tube. ‘One of my regulars told me that new Moroccan place is good,’ I tell Jed, pacing the living room. It’s a downside of being a hairdresser. You hear every detail of your clients’ glittering social lives. You make them look gorgeous for nights out you’ll never have.

  Jed looks up from the armchair. ‘I don’t really fancy it tonight, love. I thought we’d agreed to stay home.’

  ‘Oh, come on!’ I snap. ‘We can stay home any night we want. What’s the point in arranging for the kids to stay over at Mum’s if we’re not going to do anything? It seems crazy. Such a waste. Let’s, let’s . . .’ I flounder for words. ‘Let’s do something spontaneous.’ Jed blinks at me and looks rather tired. He didn’t used to be like this – a boring fart in an armchair who can’t even muster the wherewithal to take his wife out for a drink. Back in the old days, before he lost the will to live, we’d go to bars and restaurants and parties all the time, and he’d tell me he was proud to be seen with me. We were perpetually skint, but he still managed to buy me sexy dresses, teetering shoes, beautiful lingerie in black silk and ivory lace. Things a man would only buy for a woman he wanted to have wild sex with.

  ‘I’ve been working all week,’ Jed protests. ‘I’d just like to chill out, Laura, okay?’

  ‘I’ve been working too,’ I start, catching myself: of course I haven’t been working like he has. While Jed’s been mentoring disadvantaged kids, I’ve been . . . cutting hair. What does that matter in the great scheme of things? If there were no hair-dressers, what would people do? Hack it themselves with the kitchen scissors. It would be fine. No one dies from having badly-cut hair. Finn would probably enjoy that – chopping at it himself – as it’s the effect he seems to be after at the piercing place.

  ‘Why don’t we watch a movie?’ Jed suggests, his voice softening. ‘I’ll pop down to the Spar and choose something if you like.’

  Well, whoop-di-doo. ‘Okay,’ I mutter. ‘Let’s do that. Let’s stay in and watch TV.’

  ‘Don’t be like that, darling.’ He throws me a wounded, big-eyed look.

  ‘I’m not being like anything.’ I snatch Grace’s pens and scissors from the floor, unable to think of anything else to do. Once I’ve tidied the entire room, and rounded up a few stray dishes, I perch on our other armchair and peer at him.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks, looking up from his book.

  ‘Nothing. I’m just thinking, maybe you’re right. I can’t remember the last time we were home alone together. Maybe it could be quite fun.’

  Jed nods. ‘It’s nice, isn’t it? Sort of . . . peaceful.’

  ‘Well, it could be nice. Why don’t I pop out for some shopping and cook us a special meal? Something the kids wouldn’t like?’

  ‘Sounds good,’ Jed says, eyes fixed back on the book. I have to say, he doesn’t appear to be primed for an evening of hot lust.

  ‘And I’ll get some wine,’ I add.

  ‘Yeah. Great.’

  ‘And maybe we could, you know . . . go to bed early.’ I move over to his chair, and try to nuzzle into him, but his gaze remains fixed on the page. What’s he reading? Some American crime novel where people are bludgeoned to death every three pages. I can smell the testosterone radiating from its pages. God, it must be riveting. If he were any other straight man, in a child-free house with his wife dropping walloping hints, trying to drag him off to a hotel, for God’s sake, he wouldn’t be reading a goddamn book. What do I have to do – dress up as an air hostess? Trill ‘doors to manual’ while wearing an Ann Summers tunic emblazoned with a Lust-anza logo? A couple of years ago, Simone had a brief fling with a guy – one of her clients, in fact – who was into that kind of stuff. He even suggested buying a hostess trolley that she could wheel through her house to dispense drinks. Is that what turns men on these days?

  ‘I’ll go then,’ I bark, causing Jed to flinch.

  ‘Yeah. Um, what?’

  ‘You relax and enjoy your book’ – a mere smidgeon of bitterness there – ‘and I’ll nip out to Tesco.’

  ‘Okay, darling.’ His jaw twitches from the effort of glancing up from the page. ‘That sounds great.’

  *

  Before leaving I quickly scan my cookery books. I used to love cooking fancy stuff – proper grown-up food involving coriander and limes – before my culinary gene shrivelled up. The children howled in protest whenever I presented any thing with ‘weirdy green bits’ (i.e. herbs). So my confidence shrank, and my cooking acquired a distinctly retro vibe: pies, sausages, roasts. None of it terribly waistline-friendly. As I’m usually ravenous by the children’s dinnertime, I tend to pick at their clammy leftovers, then often eat again later with Jed. Double-dinner Laura. No wonder I’ve gone up from a size twelve to a sixteen since we met.

  I pore over recipes, uninspired by dishes involving grilled chicken and watercress. Can’t imagine Jed getting revved up over that. He can eat like a horse, lucky sod, and not gain an ounce. My eyes land on a pasta dish with prawns, chillies and rocket. How delightfully non-fish-fingery. ‘Won’t be long,’ I announce as I head out, feeling quite the hunter-gatherer. Okay, I’m not planning to grapple a wildebeest to drag home to my beloved – I’m only going to Tesco – but it’s a step in the right direction.

  I march along our neat, tree-lined street, full of purpose and bubbling excitement. What else should I buy? Something hormone-stirring to slip i
nto Jed’s drink? The only aphrodisiacs I can think of are oysters, which I don’t know how to prepare, or essence of dried bull’s penis or something, and I don’t imagine Tesco stock it. Then, as I approach the store’s entrance, an idea hits me.

  Underwear. Nothing ridiculously porno – I have neither the nerve nor the body for that. Just a new bra and knickers that actually match, and are more alluring than the saggy articles I resort to these days. Maybe stockings, suspenders. Corny, I know, but Jed would love that. It doesn’t feel quite right, buying underwear in a supermarket, but he’ll be far too excited to check labels.

  I glide around the aisles, lulled by the bland music, ridiculously grateful to Mum for having the children overnight. After choosing supper ingredients, I browse the make-up section. While hardly vast, it’s still overwhelming. Are the colours I used to wear hopelessly outdated, along with my au naturelle do? I’m supposed to know what looks good. It’s my job, and I have enough regular clients to know that I’m reasonably good at it. Here, though, I’m lost in an ocean of lip plumpers and mineral face powders – make-up that didn’t exist the last time I bought any. I grab a blusher, a smoky grey eye shadow and a sheer lipstick, making a mental note to hide them from Toby. Then, on a roll, I snatch some razors and passion-flower body lotion.

  In the underwear aisle the knickers seem to fall into two categories – thongs or industrial old-lady pants – neither of which I had in mind. A man with generous chin-folds sidles up next to me and gives me a slimy, wet-lipped grin. This is the kind of male attention I attract these days. Middle-aged, sweating perverts who spend their Friday nights in the lingerie aisle. I realise with horror that that’s how a stranger might describe me, lurking here, not quite knowing what to do with myself. Quickly, I grab a black lacy bra and knicker ensemble, then black stockings and any old random suspender belt and stuff them into my basket. Without checking the sizes, I hurtle towards the checkout.

  My stomach rumbles as I join the queue, and I eye the king prawns in the clear plastic packet in my basket. Is it normal to lust over food the way I do? To feel constantly ravenous? The checkout boy, who looks all of twelve, is taking an age to barcode-bleep everything. Finally, it’s my turn. I place my purchases on the conveyor belt, trying to conceal the underwear by laying the bag of rocket on top of it. The boy picks up the rocket and stares at the scraps of black lace. Only, they’re not just black lace. Neatly stitched between the bra cups – and at the front of the knickers, I now realise – are tiny pink satin teddy bears stitched with the words ‘Hugga Bubba’.

  The boy smirks. I grimace back, willing him to bleep everything at breakneck speed so I can get out before my head bursts. ‘No price on this,’ he announces, dangling the suspender belt delicately between thumb and forefinger.

  ‘I can get another one if you like,’ I blurt out, blood swirling in my ears.

  ‘No, it’s okay . . . Cathy! Can you get another one of these? What size is it?’ He turns to me.

  ‘Um, medium, I think.’ I wonder what might be the most efficient way of committing suicide in Tesco. Impaling myself on a cooking utensil? Or hiding until closing time, then shutting myself in a freezer? A woman with her lips pressed into a prim, scarlet line stands behind me in the queue. Her eyes meet mine. Medium? she’s obviously thinking. A little optimistic, aren’t we, love? I glance down at her basket. It contains soya milk, porridge oats and a punnet of raspberries. No pervo underwear. No desperate woman trying to perk up her disinterested husband on a Saturday night. Bitterly, I wonder if he’s finished that book yet.

  Somehow, though, by the time Cathy returns with another suspender belt, I’m beyond embarrassment and decide to just brazen it out. ‘Thanks,’ I say grandly, giving it a little twirl before dropping it into my shopping bag. ‘Have a great evening.’

  ‘You too,’ the checkout boy says, grinning. As I leave, making a supreme effort to walk tall and proud – with a slight sashay, actually – I feel the scarlet-lipped woman’s eyes boring into the back of my head. Who cares what she thinks? I am Laura Swan, a mother of three but also a woman, dammit, who is reclaiming her sexuality.

  I march home, swinging my bag and breathing in the cool, soft air of a perfect April evening. Tonight will bring Jed back to me, I can feel it.

  Chapter Ten

  As I stride home, I figure that maybe Jed was right. Who needs a hotel room when there’s a child-free house on offer? Lighting some candles and playing our music – without Finn thrashing his drum kit above our heads – will create a romantic ambience. I picture the two of us, snuggled up on the sofa, in a flattering candlelit glow. I won’t bring up the Celeste stuff – not tonight. Anyway, I’m sure Simone’s right. What’s wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex? I should lighten up, learn to keep things in perspective.

  I let myself in, pleased that I’ve cunningly concealed my saucy new lingerie at the bottom of the bag. However, I needn’t have worried about Jed spotting it and the surprise being ruined. Clearly beside himself with lust at the prospect of my return, he’s asleep in the armchair. His head has lolled to one side, and his bottom lip reverberates slightly with each soft snore. Hardly alluring, but at least he’ll be nice and rested for later.

  I creep through to the kitchen and unpack the shopping, plotting what to get up to later in bed. Will it be wild, like in the old days, or affectionate and gentle? I don’t mind either way. Hell, I’ll take whatever I can get. Just a kiss and a cuddle would be fine, if he’s too tired for anything else. I do worry, though, that it’s not normal to think about sex as often as I do, and that I’m having some kind of hormonal breakdown. Whenever the subject comes up among the playgroup mums, the others start cackling that they’d rather have a quiet lie down with no one pawing at them, or a DVD and a box of chocolates. ‘Give me Coronation Street any day,’ I heard Ruth groan last week. The difference is, their men actually want to do it. Yet these women talk about sex as something to be got over and done with, like having a wasps’ nest removed from the loft.

  Gathering up my saucy undies and beauty accoutrements, I tiptoe upstairs to the bathroom, ashamed at how surly I’ve been with Jed these past few months. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s a fantastic dad with endless time and patience for the children. It’s not just sport, either: he thinks nothing of spending hours working on incredible Lego constructions, which Toby finds hilarious to smash up into pieces. He’ll even set up foul-smelling science experiments in the kitchen. As for our lack of bedtime action, he’s probably worn out, that’s all. Aren’t I knackered most of the time? Maybe we’re just out of practice – plus, I’m hardly comfortable prancing around in the nude with my body looking so mournful and collapsed.

  So what if he has a silly, schoolboy’s crush? It’s natural to fancy other people. It doesn’t mean anything. Didn’t I experience a distinct flickering of – well, not desire exactly, but something for Danny in Starbucks? It was the attention, that’s all. I picture my male friends from college and wonder if it might be possible to ever have a man friend again. Would Jed mind? No, of course he wouldn’t. He’d be glad to see me all cheered up and perky.

  I undress in the bathroom and step into the shower’s steamy blast. As I run the cheap plastic razor over my legs and underarms, I start wondering if I should extend my endeavours elsewhere. What did that supplement say about au naturelle? I’m probably the last woman in Britain not to have a Brazilian. What is a Brazilian exactly? Is it as important to have one in Yorkshire as it is in Brazil?

  I survey my soft, pale body as the water gushes down it. To be fair, it’s not a total disaster. My boobs are quite enviable, I guess. My stomach and bum . . . no, let’s gloss over those. As for my legs, they are reasonably shapely, even if things start to go horribly wrong around the thigh region.

  I glare down at my pubes. They certainly need a little tidying, but I’m worried I’ll mess this up. At least with head hair, if you’re given a botched cut, you can derive faint pleasure at switching allegiance to a new salo
n. Thankfully, Simone always cuts mine, always praising its abundance and shine. That’s one part of my anatomy I don’t have to worry about. With this, I’d have no one to blame but myself. ‘Laura, are you okay?’ Jed calls from downstairs. Ah, the beast awakens.

  ‘I’m in the shower,’ I shout back.

  ‘Shall I start cooking? I’m starving.’

  ‘No, I’ll do it, won’t be long.’ The razor hovers at the tops of my thighs. Just do it. You’re a grown woman at the helm of family life. How can you be scared of a little light pruning, for God’s sake? Naomi probably has hers ripped off with hot wax.

  As the razor rasps across my skin, I wonder how far to take this. I tinker around gingerly until one side seems done. It certainly looks, whilst not better exactly, decidedly tidier. ‘Laura!’ Jed yells again. He’s upstairs on the landing now. It feels weird, just the two of us here in our echoey house. I turn down the shower to a dribble so I can hear him properly.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Will you be much longer?’ He raps loudly on the bathroom door. ‘I need the loo.’ He waggles the handle and will be wondering why on earth I’ve locked the door. We usually do all that bathroom stuff in front of each other, which might be another factor in the demise of our sex life.

  ‘Hang on,’ I call out, still gripping the razor, rapidly losing my nerve. The shaved bit doesn’t look tidier. It looks scalped and chickeny, like something you’d see in the chill cabinet with a barcode slapped on it.

  ‘Could you let me in?’ he demands.

  ‘I, um . . .’ I glower down. One side still requires attention, and looks even more au naturelle when compared to the bald region. It’s like when I wallpapered Grace’s bedroom before Christmas. The fresh new spotty design made the rest of the house look condemned.